


his own fault

by witchee_writer



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Circle Era (Shadowhunter Chronicles), F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27174113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchee_writer/pseuds/witchee_writer
Summary: Stephen didn't deserve to see her, didn't deserve to hear her voice again but he had too. His love for Amatis hadn't dulled, he just wanted to see her one more time, just once.
Relationships: Amatis Graymark Herondale/Stephen Herondale, Céline Herondale/Stephen Herondale (mentioned)
Kudos: 2





	his own fault

**Author's Note:**

> I need more material on Stephen Herondale, I've decided. 
> 
> Please excuse any mistakes that I've missed!

Stephen should have stayed away, he _knew_ he should have stayed away. The rain was teeming down, the wind howling. His clothes were soaked through, his hair dripping. It was as if even the weather was telling him to go home, that he shouldn't have been at his old home. The logical part of him knew that he shouldn't have even thought about seeing Amatis again but _he had too_. It was dangerous, selfish, his wife was heavily pregnant with their child, but he just had too. 

He could pretend this had been the right decision but he knew in his heart that leaving Amatis had been his greatest mistake. He had known it from the very moment he had told her he was leaving, that he wanted a divorce. Stephen still saw her face, the heartbreak, the betrayal, the confusion. It had hurt, he longed to take it all back but he didn't. Stephen convinced himself that it was what needed to be done, that he couldn't be associated with the sister of a werewolf (not that Luke had asked to be turned, but Valentine's feelings on the matter were clear regardless). 

_Valentine_. 

It was because of him everything had gone so wrong. He saw him for what he really was now, but Stephen knew it was far too late. He was in too deep now, to leave would mean death for him, his wife, their unborn child. Amatis would be in danger too, he was sure of it. No, it was too late for him. He had made these decisions, his parents had told him that Valentine was dangerous, he thought they were fools. Even Luke, Valentine's _parabatai_ had grown concerned, and now look where he was. They had made a mistake following him, but Stephen could not turn back time. If he could just see Amatis once more though, that was all he wanted. Stephen just needed to see her face, hear her voice. He missed her, their broken marriage rune burned sometimes. It knew, as he did, that there was only one woman he was meant to marry, to stay with until the end of time. 

And it wasn't Celine. 

Stephen had never loved anyone as he had loved Amatis (and never would). She was the love of his life, his soul mate, his everything and for a time they had been happy, Stephen had had everything he had wanted. And then he had thrown it all away. Celine was beautiful and kind, she was a good wife and would be a good mother, but Stephen didn't love her. 

He loved Amatis.

He would always love Amatis. 

Stephen just needed to see her, no matter how selfish it was, he just needed to see her. He wasn't sure he would get another chance, he knew Valentine was growing suspicious of him. Though he was suspicious of most, these days. Stephen felt his time was running out, and if he didn't see Amatis again, if something happened and he never heard her voice just once more, he would regret it. He had enough regrets, he didn't need another on top if it all. 

He knocked on the door, on what should have been _their_ door. As it was, it was just hers now. The cottage they had made so many memories in, that they should have spent the rest of their lives in. Stephen shuddered, his eyes clenching shut. There was no one else to blame for how things had gone but himself. Oh, he could blame Valentine if he liked but Stephen was the one that had agreed Amatis was not the right match for him (a lie), that she didn't follow their ideals (they didn't matter), that her blood was tainted (she was better then anyone else he knew). 

He was the one that didn't fight for her. 

The door swung open, and Stephen watched the blood drain from Amatis' face. Her blue eyes flashed in anger and then pain, before the emotion was smothered away and her face went blank. Stephen almost flinched at that look alone. Amatis had never looked at him like that before, she had never looked at anyone like that before. She was warm and kind, she had so much love and he had loved her all the more for that. There was no love on her face now, there was nothing. She moved to close the door and Stephen threw his arm out. 

"Wait," he said, his voice hoarse. "Amatis, wait." Her hands were so close, if he just moved a little- 

"You shouldn't be here," said Amatis, icily. " _Leave_." Her voice was like daggers to his heart. But it was something, it was more then he had had in months. 

"I know," said Stephen, desperately. "I know I shouldn't be here but I missed you, my love." Amatis gasped, sharply. Her mask cracked and Stephen saw the pain, the pain that he had caused. Water dripped down his face but he couldn't for the life of him tell if it was the rain or his own tears. "I know it's selfish but I had to see you. I thought writing would be enough, I thought I would be able to live with just that but- but you never replied, and I couldn't stop thinking about you and-"

"Why would I reply, Stephen?" said Amatis, strained. "You were the one that wanted this! You were the one that wanted to leave, you were the one that made us have our runes broken. It hurt so much, it still hurts-" She shook her head, trying futilely to push against the door. "Just leave, Stephen! Please just leave, I can't- you shouldn't-" Amatis choked, and with one last shove against the door, Stephen had her face cradled gently in his hands. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, you must believe me." 

She was crying now, her entire body shaking. It was yet another thing that Stephen had done to hurt her. He brushed her tears away, pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Stephen whispered apologies over and over again. 

"You shouldn't be here," Amatis cried, "Why are you doing this to me?" 

"I told you, I missed you-"

"Then maybe you should have thought of that!" Amatis shoved him away, and Stephen went. He stumbled back, uncaring of the rain and the wind. Even angry, even with red eyes and tears streaming down her face she was beautiful. He saw how thin she was though, the dark circles beneath her eyes. He had done that too. 

Stephen sighed, deeply. "I know," he whispered. "I- I was wrong, I knew I was wrong and I know it's too late now but- I wanted to see you Amatis, I needed to see you. I love you, I will always love you. Do you- do you still love me?" 

"Does it matter anymore?" said Amatis, hoarsely. "It's over, it's done, you saw to that yourself, Stephen." 

She did still love him, Stephen knew that without a shadow of a doubt. She had kept his name, she stayed in their home. Of course she still loved him, he was the one that had changed everything, he was the one that had broken them. "I'm sorry," Stephen said, again. It felt like that was all he could say, all he could do. 

He wanted to hold her, he wanted to touch her and kiss her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms, lie down next to her, protect her, be with her. But Stephen could do none of those things. 

He had given up that right. 

It was because of him that she was crying, that she was hurting. If he could do anything for her, it was leave. He had seen her now, she had looked his way, Stephen had gotten everything he had come for. Perhaps if he was braver he could have fought for her, he could have convinced her to run away with him. But they wouldn't be able to outrun Valentine forever, and Stephen wouldn't endanger her life. Even if she did go with him, even if he could convince her of that much, Stephen knew it would mean sacrificing Celine in their child. Valentine would take his anger out on them first. Amatis wouldn't be able to stand the guilt of it, nor would Stephen. 

He wasn't _that_ selfish. 

No, there was nothing to be done of it now. Maybe one day, maybe if he was lucky. But not now, not while Valentine was breathing down his neck. 

"I'll leave," said Stephen, thickly. "I know it was selfish of me to come but I just- I had to see you. I don't know if you've read my letters, but if you haven't, know this. I love you, I have never stopped loving you, I will never stop loving you. I don't know why I agreed to leave you, that whole period of time was like a blur. I can see clearer now, but it's far too late. I know, I do, but Amatis, one day, one day I'll find my way back to you." His hand shot out faster then Amatis could move, and he took her by the hand, his grip tight. "I'm not asking you to wait, I would rather you happy then not. But just know that one day I will be free and when I am, I will come back to you. I promise." Stephen let go, let her fingers slip through his own. "I love you." 

Stephen watched her beautiful face scrunch up in pain, his own heart screaming at him. He turned away, he didn't wait to see her tears fall once more. He couldn't bear it, not when there was nothing he could do to comfort her. 

All he could do for her was leave.

One day. One day things would be different and he would be able to crawl back to her, beg for forgiveness and just a sliver of the love she held for him. 

_One day._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
